I have had this feeling for the last couple of days that I just need to sit down and write something. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be writing about but I feel like there are words inside of me and I’m going to explode unless I get some of them down on paper (or on the Internet as this case may be).
Why do I need to write? I have no idea. Seriously. Not a clue. At this point it almost feels like a compulsion. But I’m just not sure what is making me have to get these words down.
Maybe it’s because so little of my time has been my own lately. I’ve been spending all day at work and then going from straight to work into rehearsal for Les Mis. Then when I get home from rehearsal, I’m spending time with Jaden and Theresa. It’s literally been about 3 weeks since I’ve set foot in my office or turned on my laptop for any extended period of time.
And don’t hear that as me saying I don’t like my life. Right now I love my life. Lots of wonderful things are happening in it. I have an amazing wife and child. Both of whom are extremely patient with me while I pursue something I love. I’ve got a great job that I enjoy. I love the people that I work with and the projects I get to work on. And I love that I’m getting to do Les Mis and play Thenardier. It’s a really wonderful life that I get to live right now.
But all of my time is spoken for. All of my time is spent doing projects for other people or serving other people. And maybe that’s just the way it has to be. Maybe my role as husband is meant to be a servant to others before a servant to myself. Or maybe that’s just who I am in general. I dunno.
It’s hard to set myself in the background. Seems very counter culture. “My own happiness should be the thing that matters most” seems to be the mantra of the culture. But my happiness at the expense of others isn’t something that is going to make me happy. The idea that other people have to be put on the back burner so that I can be happy is one I don’t appreciate. What’s even worse is how much I do that in my own life. My wife and son spend their time on the back burner right now while I’m in a show. They should be first on my list. They should be above all the other things going on in my life… Now I’m just preaching to myself and sometimes I need that.