I recently stumbled across some of the latest music of rapper Eminem. While I know he has had an interesting history in the public eye, I have found myself come to a place of respect for him. I think it first happened when I found out that he played a lot of his songs with live musicians and not just loop machines and a DJ. I’ve also come to respect how honest he is in his music. He speaks his mind, regardless of what people will think. That amount of vulnerability is rarely found in a famous musician.
I stumbled across this video recently and it resonates really deeply within me. He details a lot of the fears, dreams, and struggles of being a famous dad. I think it’s a great thing to know that the fears that I know I’m going to have as a dad are shared by others. Even someone as infamous as Eminem has those issues.
I really appreciate the first part of the first verse. Talking about being willing to protect and do anything for his daughter. I know that’s how I’m going to feel about my kids. I know they’re going to be the best things that ever happen to me. I can’t wait to have kids. I hope I can be the dad they deserve…
There are days when I wonder, why do I write? What purpose do my words have? Who reads them?
From the lack of comments on some of my posts, I have a feeling that very few people actually read this, which is OK. I’m not maintaining this blog for the comments or the glory of knowing that people are reading my thoughts. I’m not seeking to get puffed up about my writing.
What I am seeking to do is to get into the practice of writing more. I want to write because I want to get in the habit of writing often. And not just blogging and putting a stream on conscience on paper. I wanna be able to write poetry and music and stories; maybe some day an actual book. Writing is not my passion but I enjoy having a place where I can speak my mind.
What my passion is though is music. I am discovering that I enjoy music and I enjoy making music. I want to get to the point some day where I trust myself enough to not only write words, but to share them. And not these words, these are just thoughts in my head but I want to be able to write about my deepest intimate thoughts and feel safe sharing them with those around me.
It is a very scary thought to sit down and share music or words that I’ve written down with people. It’s a vulnerability I know all too well. While I’ve never done it, the fear alone of sharing words paralyzes me into not even putting words on paper. I am working on it though. Nobody likes be vulnerable in front of people and I am no exception. In some cases I think of myself as the spokes person for not being vulnerable and trusting people.
I hope to get over that some day and this blog is helping. So, that’s I think the heart of why I write. I think God has blessed me with thoughts to be shared with those around me and He’s blessed me with a heart for music. I hope to someday be able to be vulnerable in front of people and I hope and pray that it turns out OK. Anyways, that’s all I’ve got for now.
I’m in a place where I’m realizing I want more out of life. Right now my life is very simple and plain. Not a lot going on. The last big event that I had in my life, Spocon, has passed. Now the only things to occupy my time besides work, is planning worship services for church. And that’s on a very inconsistent schedule.
Seeing other people move on with their lives makes me realize how stagnant I’ve been. I’ve got friends that are getting married in the next week, I’ve got other friends releasing CD’s, and I have other friends truly living their dreams. I envy them.
I wish I had their courage to pursue my dreams. That lack of courage has kept me from being the musician I want to be. I never have the courage to share my own thoughts. Like right now, I’m paranoid people are going to find this blog and think I’m weird. It’s rough. But I need to learn to be vulnerable and share my words/music if God is going to use it. He will give me the courage.